In a blog I wrote a few weeks ago people asked who my boyfriend was and although I mentioned him, I am still not ready to share that information for personal reasons but that is not what this post is about. This post is going to be about me being single and over 40 and how difficult it is at times anyway…(this might get kind of personal, and if I sound like i’m whining…I am also, this blog may go some of everywhere..but I still want feedback)
I grew up in the church, sanctified and holy to be exact, now my mom didn’t go as far as making me wear dresses all the time or not wearing makeup but it was pretty strict up in here. I remember being a girl and fantasizing about what my married life will be like, what sex will feel like when I meet the right one, and even what I will name my future children. The biggest disappointment of my life is, not having lost the fabled 150 pounds I have been trying to lose since I was 18, or not having the career I always dreamed of (either a historian or journalist for National Geographic) but still being single..ughh it is exhausting. Oh, and before you go on a rant on how you have to enjoy being with yourself, and the right one will come along someday because God has someone for everyone, etc. etc….please, i’m 43 not 23..heard it, believed it, said it, wrote vision boards for it..ain’t happened yet…
Sooooo with that being said, I am frustrated and depressed by the fact that I am probably going to be the crazy single lady with cats. When my mom dies, and I have to face the fact that she will…I will be alone. I do not have a lot of friends and it has been difficult for me through the years to find and maintain relationships (kids have it so easy) and in the meantime, time is slipping away. I do not have a large family, and when you think about it, do you really even like your single aunt with no kids..I know I didn’t, and here I am becoming her..she at least had a good job by now and some financial security. *sighs*
After my father died last year, this issue has become paramount in my mind. I might be letting it have to much space in my brain, but it is always there, nagging me…He wanted me to have children, and he thought the reasons why I might be single (which I have to agree with, although I would never tell him that) is because of my weight. Men I have found do not care for large women, and with exceptions like Mama June and Mon’ique, being a big girl and single is like being a green man in world where blue is the preferred color.
Who knows, maybe it is not to late..I have kept hope alive this long..why not a little longer